Recently Rowyn has been more of a challenge to put to bed at night. I used to be able to lay her down on the bed, place a pillow one one side, and cuddle up to her other side, and then she would go to sleep. Or if she was having a difficult time, I would hold her in my arms and bounce her lightly while swaying from side to side. This would take longer (20-30 minutes), but it worked well. (I don't want to give the impression with this post that I'm some kind of super dad who puts the kids to be all the time. Elizabeth ends up putting Rowyn to bed 90% of the time, but I've noticed a few things the last few times I've helped her fall asleep).
However, a couple of times when I've recently tried to put her to bed, neither of these techniques have worked. For a week or two, Rowyn took to arching her back, screaming, and thrashing about while going to sleep (or not going to sleep, as was more often the case). She created a marvelous spectacle; she almost seemed possessed by evil spirits. But what really caught my attention was not the squirming, arching, and angry screaming, but the way that in the midst of her apparent fury, she would reach up her plump warm fingers and trace them softly, tenderly even, along my cheek or chin or nose. The contradiction in such moments between her touch and her demeanor was almost surreal.
The first time she did this, I cringed at first because I expected her to try to scratch me or pinch me or pull a few strands of my pathetically thin beard. She was upset and I thought she would lash out at the person nearest her--in these cases, me. I thought such reactions were more or less instinctual, especially in the pre-verbal and early-verbal stages, when part of a person's frustration likely arises from not being able to make oneself understood. If a baby or toddler was frustrated, I thought, it would be natural for that kid to want to bite or scratch or hit. But no matter her emotional state, Rowyn has never shown toward me any sense of malice. It makes me wonder where hurtful responses come from in children. At what point do we begin to desire to hurt others? Is it learned? Do some kids just demonstrate their anger more physically than others? If so, why? Genetics? Parental influence? Diet?
I suppose these are more or less fruitless, unanswerable questions, but they have been on my mind since the first time 11-month-old, in the middle of an awful fit, reached up to my face and told me through her fingertips not that she was frustrated with me, but that she loved me. And why did this surprise me?
