Endangered Woman Spam

As with all spam you send, when you mail out to hundreds of thousands of people your "Let's Scare Women" spam message, the point is to get as many people as possible to forward it. Your message has to make people afraid, really afraid. It's important to instill fear in women, but it is equally important to instill fear in dads and husbands, because, if these males and females are scared, they might actually drag their lazy mouse hand and click on "Forward," which will fill you (although you will never know the button has been clicked), the author, with a sense of fulfillment bordering upon divine rapture.

Besides personal fulfillment, the purpose of the "Let's Scare Women" spam is to re-balance our messed-up society. By reminding women that they are weak and vulnerable, you are doing a duty by keeping women from crossing a lot of dangerous boundaries they might otherwise cross. And by making the dads and husbands afraid for them, you are providing fodder for the argument that women need a man's protection. And we all know what the sub-text of this argument is (although we don't state this to the fairer sex because they might get offended)--women should be controlled by men.

So, having established two important reasons for the composition of such a communique, let us proceed directly to the outline of how it is produced:

1) Open with a voice of concern that lets the anonymous recipient know that you care about him or her. Remember that this E-mail will be forwarded between acquaintances, so when a person receives it, your thoughtful words will make the receiver feel as if the sender actually cares.

2) Provide some examples that prey on people's natural fears. Include some examples about women being drugged, maimed, and beaten by people who were hiding in wait for the victim. You want your reader to forever wonder if someone is hiding under her car, in the dark van next to her, or in that dark blind spot behind her seat. One of the goals is to unsettle your audience. One way to do this is to make it sound as if such attacks were everyday occurrences.

3) Make an allusion to a credible-sounding source. The source can be real or imagined, but it needs to sound credible. Don't worry, most of your audience will trust that the information really came from the New York Times, or they will believe that there is a small newspaper in Kansas called the Quarterville Post. You can even provide a link to the home page of a newspaper; the reader will assume that the story must have existed and is now simply buried within the archives of the paper you linked to.

4) End the E-mail with a Call to Action. Remember that your purpose is two-fold: to get people to forward this E-mail to everyone they know, and to put women back in their place. So your call to action needs to encompass these two aims.

Below is a short example. Feel free to write much longer spam messages that include many more frightful examples.


"I'm forwarding this to you because I care about women, and I know you do too. Recently, there has been a series of brutal attacks on women that the Liberal News Media are simply ignoring. The Wall Street Journal has reported on several of these attacks, but the trend is much more wide-spread than even they are willing to admit. The Kansas-based Quarterville Post broke the news that throughout the past year, over one hundred women have been attacked in this fashion. Here is what the assailants do: They "hang out" at grocery stores and banks and wait for women to go inside. Then they quickly slip under the car of the woman and wait for her to return. When she gets back, the attacker takes out a knife and cuts the woman's achilles tendons. Now that she is unable to flee, the attacker drags her under the car with him and robs and beats her and sometimes steals her groceries, too.

"Some reports suggest that these attacks are being coordinated by a gang, and that this achilles-slicing gang has a presence in every town with a population over 10,000. The only reason you haven't heard about this is because members of the wussy liberal media think these gang members can be reformed and the members of the press don't want to offend this gang. But make no mistake: these are awful people and they are probably staking out women at your local Safeway as you read this.

"The best way to get a handle on this is to spread the word through grass-roots efforts. It is up to you to send this message on. Send it to everyone you know, even to those you don't know. If you don't forward this message, you might be responsible for the beating, robbery, and slicing up of a woman you care about. And men, don't stop there. Be sure to always escort your women whereever they go. Don't let them out of the house until you return for work. It just isn't safe out there without you there to protect them. The best way to protect a song bird from getting killed by a falcoln is to clip its wings and cage it. The same is true of women.

"Again, if you care about women, you must send this to everyone you know. It only takes .7 seconds. Send it. If you don't, you'll regret it some day. When your sister or friend or wife or daughter crawls home from the grocery store without her groceries, her face battered and her ankles bloodied, and asks you, "Why didn't you warn me?," you will regret not having warned her by simply clicking on the Forward button at the top of this page. Do it. Do it now. Forward this, or you'll be sorry, and so will everyone around you."


Now, after you have composed this message, send it to a whole bank of E-mail addresses. Someone in the group will send it on to people she or he knows, and then it will have a personal touch. You can now sleep peacefully knowing you have acheived something today: you have started a message that will probably be forwarded forever. Never mind that most cars are too low to the ground for an adult to fit underneath. Nevermind that many people would find it weird and report it if they saw a man trying to throw himself underneath someone else's car. When people are scared, they don't think about these things, because you've made it so easy for them to pass on the message. And as the message spreads through the infinite webs of cyberspace, know this: You have acheived immortality!